Dear Journal,
Today was an adventure full of surprising
discoveries. I started out early in the morning, right at dawn to beat the heat
of the day. I wandered through the jungle to the north of where I camped last
night, continuing down the scarcely-marked path I had discovered several days
before and decided to follow. I noticed as I walked that I would occasionally
encounter paving stones among the undergrowth as well as spot the remains of
walls and markers to the side of the roadway. These once guided travelers along
what I realized must have been a major route – but to where it led I could not
fathom. Of all the maps and histories I have pored over, none have given any
hint of even a small settlement in this part of the country, much less a
location that would demand what was once a very impressive approach!
Just as I began to grow footsore and weary from the growing
day’s heat, I emerged into a more open area, where a pleasantly cool breeze
blew off several pools of water scattered around. It had been hundreds of
years, maybe even thousands, since people had last inhabited this space, but
still the jungle had not completely eradicated the loveliness of what they had
built. Here and there I saw large walls, expertly constructed of some foreign
stone of gorgeous color, peeking out from the vines that now entangled them. I
walked towards what appeared to be the largest of these remains, locating
through the vegetation a doorway I could clear with my machete.
Journal, what I found inside was astounding! My
attention caught by a spot of color shining through on the floor, I cleared the
dirt and leaves – and about had a heart attack, thinking I must be about to
fall into another pool of water! Even with age, the vibrancy of the painting on
the floor had not faded enough to dispel the illusion. What looked so
realistically like water was nothing more than a fantastic trick, a solid patch
of floor designed to appear as a pool covered in lotus blossoms. I have never
seen anything like it!
I continued walking through the palace, of course,
for now I assumed that only a great king could have constructed something like
this. There were other illusions: doorways that were solid walls,
ever-flickering lamps that were no lights at all, a full garden that, when one
tried to step into it, was found to be nothing more than another
one-dimensional depiction. Here and there I saw glistening jewels, the remains
of tall, wide marble pillars, and much other evidence of past opulence and
grandeur…
On the wall behind a collapse throne, I found the
inscription. It was written in a strange ancient script, but one similar enough
to those I have studied for me to be able to make out most of the text. It
spoke of a set of five kings and their single wife, in competition with their
cousins to rule wealthy, splendid kingdoms. Each group built their own palace
such as the one I was exploring, to prove to posterity their power and
grandeur. A shame, I thought, that this place had so long languished in
neglect. I was the first to reach it in centuries, and surely by the time the
next explorer makes it this far north, the jungle will have covered any trace of
this once-monument to kingly ego.
Author's Note: I was inspired this week by the palace built by the Pandavas in The Mahabharata and the envy and recreation it inspires in the jealous Kauravas. It seemed so futile to me to be this concerned with display and splendor, which will inevitably fade with time. The details of illusions were drawn from The Mahabharata as the most characteristic features of the palace the Pandavas built and the sources of embarrassment for Duryodhana (see image below).
Source: R.K. Narayan, The Mahabharata: A Shortened Modern Prose Version of the Indian Epic (Univ. of Chicago Press, 2000).
Image: illustration of Duryodhana falling into the water (Wikimedia Commons).
Susanna,
ReplyDeleteI loved the details in your story. You emphasized on letting the reader know that this is a journal writing just by calling Journal in your story. You have divided your story into different paragraphs that makes the reader focus on the story and easy to read. The author’s note can be a little better in terms of letting the reader know more about your storytelling style. Overall, I loved your story. Good luck
Hey Susanna,
ReplyDeleteIt's great to read another of your stories!
I really liked this story! I thought it worked well as a journal entry. You also were able to add the action and thoughts effectively to create an evocative, suspenseful, and interesting diary-style story!
My only suggestion is to break up your paragraphs more. Most of them are the same length, but it is good to very paragraph length. Having some shorter paragraphs is not only interesting (visually) to the reader, but is easier to read. Sometimes too much action in one paragraph is overwhelming to a reader.
In fact, you can even make a paragraph as long as a sentence (like this paragraph!)
But, aside from that I have no qualms. You really did do a great job with retelling this story!
Susanna, I really enjoyed reading your story Jungle Secrets. I thought your details were awesome and it made me picture. I really liked the third paragraph because of all of your diction. I also found the jealousy throughout to be a great dynamic and drive for the entire story. Overall, I thought your journal was awesome! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThis was a really good story! I haven’t seen anyone approach the writings like this. It was really cool to see the remains of the Indian culture through the eyes of a modern day explorer. I felt like I was reading an Indiana Jones book. I like the picture you chose too! I like to think people were enjoying the little pleasures of life even as far back as these stories go.
ReplyDeleteHi again Susanna! Just read your story and I thought your approach was really good because you wrote to your journal instead of the readers. A great story in my opinion starts of with a great introduction and I thought your introduction was really good. It provided details for the author to understand the direction the story was going. Throughout the story you did a great job explaining the plot and how each character fit into the plot. Great story.
ReplyDeleteDang you Susanna and your mad writing skills. I am so envious. You can approach storytelling from so many ways and do it so successfully! I felt like was reading the diary of a modern day archeologist documenting their findings. I like that in your Author's Note you put what inspired you specifically. I am always interested in that. I think you broke up your paragraphs really well. The only thing I could be super nit picky about is having your picture at the bottom. I just prefer them at the top for a little teaser. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your help with my dialogue in my story. Lord help me, I tried dialogue for the first time and it was A LOT harder than I had anticipated. I tend to avoid it, but your tips were super helpful and I really appreciated your honesty and help. Thank you!